When I was laboring/delivering/recovering from Evie's birth I listened to this song non-stop. Something about it kept me going when I thought I was going to DIE.
I've been listening to it a lot lately as well - probably because I've been reflecting on the past (almost) 11 months as we near the Evster's first birthday. When I listen to it, I think of how I felt right after I had her - that gushing, overwhelming feeling of love. And I remember thinking, "I will never love her more than I love her now." I made myself promise I wouldn't forget that feeling, so I could recall it when she's fifteen and driving me nuts.
But I feel differently about Evie now then I did when I had her. My love for her is more complicated. Instead of an absolute, pure I love you simply because you are my offspring love, I feel a hundred different kinds of love. A love based on my responsibility for her, a love centered around her personality; I feel love in moments of guilt when I make mistakes as a mom, I feel it when I'm remorseful if I hurt her in anyway, I feel accomplished love when she succeeds or she learns something new. I could go on and on. I'm not trying to diminish that new and pure love I felt when I had her, its just different.
I do love her more than I did when I first had her. While I hope that I never forget that feeling I had when we first met, I don't think I will need that to love her in fifteen years.
I've just been thinking about how grateful I am for the complicated feelings that come with motherhood. Its so hard to describe, which is why I think people say "its hard, but so worth it." It is worth it, but I don't know if hard is the right word to describe it sometimes. I feel its more complicated. Its a relationship that makes you feel every emotion, sometimes at the exact same moment.
My sister had to give a lesson in Relief Society on Motherhood a few weeks ago. She is single (and super hot) so she called people that were close to her who were also parents. I doubt I gave her any good advice, but I'm sure some of my relatives did. Anyway, she blogged about it and about some of the things that were said including my favorite quote ever,"Even though I'm not a mom right now, I'm still going to be a kick ass aunt."
And it got me thinking - I want to be a kick ass mom. I want to experience the good, bad, guilty, happy, sad, frustrated, sweet, and tender things that come with my job. My desire to be a good mom has been accompanied with a lot of reflections that I've mentioned - just how I feel about my Evster. Sometimes I can't believe how much we've grown as a family, as individuals. We are well on our way to becoming one kick ass family. (I hope)
Anyway, as I've been thinking about Evie and listening to Temper Trap, I've found another song that describes more how I feel about her now: Sweet Disposition.
I've said this to my mom a hundred times, but Evie is so sweet. And I think she will always just have a sweet disposition about her. Sure she'll be naughty and bratty, but I think she will always just be a sweet girl. I have felt that as her mom. When I parent her I'm constantly reminded that she is "my sweet one." That might sound a little weird, since at the moment we only have one child, but I know she is so tender-hearted. She is so sensitive. She cries when other kids or babies cry, and when she gets hurt she never has an angry look in her eye, just a tender-you-hurt-my-heart look. I've felt prompted on many an occasion to savor her tenderness and to keep that in mind when I parent her.
Sometimes I'm surprised because she's nothing like me. I've never considered myself a sweet tender-hearted person. I care about other people and I try to be empathic, but as a little girl I was independent, stubborn and often selfish. I wasn't mean to other kids, I just didn't constantly think about their feelings. And I know this might sound crazy, but I honestly feel like Evie will care about others in a sweet way - in a way I never did. Can you feel those things as a parent? I don't know.
But I'm so grateful to be taught such things. Being a mom has softened me in so many good ways. I'm much more thoughtful and concerned about others. And like I said, I'm not a malicious person, I'm just independent. I oftentimes didn't think of others needs because I just thought they were okay. I've always been independent and self-sustainable. If I needed something or felt a certain way, I fixed it myself. But I've come to realize as a mother that not everyone can fix their own insecurities or pains. And maybe God gave me my tender baby first to soften my heart before I get a little me (help me, Rhonda!). I don't know about that either, but sometimes I can't believe what a sweet disposition Ev has.
This post has taken an unexpected turn, but on a lighter note, can anyone suggest what to do with this hair?