Friday, October 12, 2012

Flashback Friday: Bad Family Photos, Part 3

I apologize for the absence of Darel in this post, but she probably would have added to the awkwardness of this photo, so in reality, she should be thanking me.

Where to begin?

Let's start with the staging of this photo. The beautiful polyester plant adds such a rich, waxy texture to the blurry JC Penney wall art. The sofa, most strategically given to our mother who probably spent hours getting us to look perfect only to battle with us to sit still the entire time. And classically, each family member is placed AT LEAST 6-8 inches from the nearest family member in hopes to limit animosity and hair pulling. 
Those of you who know the Kardashians well, know not to put Kim (Chelsea) and Khloe (Me) near each other. Smart move Mama Kardash, smart move. 
So the first pic is a little awkward - we don't seem to like each other much, but don't worry, I sifted through twenty of these bad boys and we definitely showed some family love by the end. 

Again, Kim and I are separated by one of our parents. This will be a trend throughout the photoshoot. Also, I just realized that the reason why someone is always a foot away from Kourtney (Darcee) is because her sleeves are gigantic. She looks like a linebacker in that dress! However, she gets points for not having a dress made entirely out of velvet. She got iridescent satin sleeves and ruffled skirt to break up the most unholy of fabrics.

And now for some rude personal attacks. 

Chels - Mom bought you a dress with a bib since she KNEW you would spill something on yourself before we got to the Scharnikow's house (where we took the pics). Classy brooch, where'd you get it?Also, Black Beauty called, she wants her side ponytail back. 

Darc - I hated on you a little bit, but don't worry, I've got more to say! YOUR BANGS. That's all.

Shea - Adorbs.

Dad - Sweet glasses.

Mom - YOUR HAIR. I repeat, YOUR HAIR. Please, no one light a match with looking at this picture because hairspray is dangerously flammable.

Me - Oh hey Fungus, you are ugly. At least you got the cool, see through lacy bib on your velvet dress.  But alas, nothing can cure the disease that is the fungus on your head. Also, I'm pretty sure I ruined every photo with my facial expression. Happy Holidays everybody!

My face/hair is ... tragic.
If I were to write an autobiography, it would be titled, "The Fungus: An Ugly Duckling to slightly less Ugly Duckling Story."
It is a tragedy in case you are wondering. 

Also, I hate when my Dad tries to steal my thunder, so I usually try to block him with my fungus.

Laugh all you want. But these two created six incredibly good looking Kardashians.

Who's laughing now?

Okay me, because the amount of bad hair in this photo is unreal. And that's saying something since someone doesn't even have that much hair to be bad in the first place. 

My personal favorite:

Happy Friday everyone!


MaryJane said...

Love, Love, Love this. We'll just say I like Sheila's current hair style. It looks really nice on her. Lucky all you Smarts are such a beautiful clan so you can rise above Flashback Friday!

Alix said...

Hahaha this has 90's written ALL over it! I remember having a poofy red dress with HUGE sleeves and a lace bib as well...good times!

ellen said...

We could discuss each hairdo for hours. :) Don't we all have our own "awkward family photos"?!? My family certainly does.

Rachey Elder said...

Please ont ever stop these amazing posts! These pics are off the charts hilarious, but In your early 90s family's defense, I guarantee this stuff was the shiz. The Shewolf wouldn't dress you guys in an outfit if it wasn't adorable.