Friday, October 7, 2011

Flashback Friday: Attack of the Triangle Pants

We've all seen it. Whether it be on vacation, at the YMCA, or in our deepest, darkest nightmares, we have all seen the atrocities of the "triangle pants."
My brother-in-law coined this phrase several years ago after he himself had to seek intense therapy following a close-up with a real-life "triangle-panter."

While the term, "triangle pants," is mostly correct, I am here to debate one issue. Triangle? You betcha. But pants? I am not so sure. Now, I know many of you may also have had experiences with "triangle pants" that have scarred you for life.
You may also know "triangle pants" by several different names, none of which are appropriate for use on this blog.

I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with Neat-o.
(Don't get any ideas, "triangle pants" are anything but.)

Earlier this year, Nick and I took a lovely cruise with our dear friends the Conleys. For the most part, the trip was amazing - good food, great company, and lots of relaxation. However, one aspect of the trip still haunts me to this day and in the spirit of Halloween, I'd like to share it for Flashback Friday.

We've all heard the typical complaints about Americans who travel - they're loud, gluttonous, and dear goodness, they wear tennis shoes on a daily basis! Yeah, yeah whatever. As someone who will someday be a member of a real "Finer Things Club," I know that none of those rude comments apply to an American traveller such as myself.
But because I am so generous, so kind, and so deeply invested in improving the American image overseas, I'd like to defend those of you who do resemble the typical American tourist.

How dare Europeans poke fun at American women who resemble Homer Simpson in mom jeans when the majority of their population insults us by wearing these:

(Picture courtesy of our cruise earlier this year)

I understand that we all want to be comfortable and relaxed on our vacations, but seriously? If you are going to block my view of the beautiful ocean I would prefer you to resemble Daniel Craig.

Exhibit A (or should I say B, for Bond?):

Even Daniel Craig knows he can't rock "triangle pants" and he tastefully goes for the boy short option. Thank you DC, you have brought both a strong argument and an undeniable hotness to my blog.

Let's compare DC with my lobster-looking-triangle-pant-wearing friend in the photo I took above. Americans, why do we stand for this? Why do we allow Europeans to poke fun at our love of McDonalds and Keds, when they themselves are a walking fashion disaster on our most beloved beaches? I say, stand up for yourself - heck, stand up for all of the Kevin Federlines out there and fight back! Terrorist threats from the Middle East? Puh-lease! What about the serious threats from the "triangle pants" in Europe? It's full-on global disaster people, and we as Americans need to step up and save the world. (It's our job, you know.)

You may think I am exaggerating my experience with Mr. Triangle Pants on my cruise. And if he was my only problem with my vacation last year I might agree with you, that is, if I wasn't scarred for life.

But Mr. Triangle Pants was not my only brush with insanity on my cruise.

I was forced to be in the vicinity of this unholy man:

Children, women and delicate men, please avert your eyes.

We'll call him "pantalons triangle de laches," which is French for loose-fitting triangle pants.

Here's a question for you:
What is worse than "triangle pants?"

Answer: Loose-fitting triangle pants while playing ping-pong against my husband.

Poor Nick, he just wanted to play ping-pong with Ryan and instead he got stuck playing "ball" with a French-speaking weirdo. (PUN INTENDED) I even tried to back the guy up at first. I love the French, their culture, their food, everything! But it was a sad day for the Francais let me tell you, and not even I can defend this vulgar behavior.

I have re-lived one of the most horrific moments of my life to defend those who are most made fun of - American tourists. And I say to all of you out there - do not let anyone tarnish the American image when we are under attack of the "triangle pants."

Fight back. (And please do so while wearing Keds and mom jeans.)

I will make one final point before leaving to see my therapist.
Yes, "triangle pants" have made us all wonder, "Is he European or gay?"

The answer?
Probably both.


Tiffany said...

HAHAHAHAAAAA! I'm DYING! So great and SO FUNNY! Oh we had the best times on that cruise. Mr ping pong player.... and poor Nick couldn't get away... even when I tried to tell him that he was needed (to try and get him his excuse to get away) and that didn't work because the guy didn't understand english! So of course he didn't know what I was saying! Lol.... dying... love it.

LOVE that we made flashback Friday!!!!

Oh, and sidenote... that's not my blog... ours is my full name.... . Nice looking people though, those other Tiff and Ryan. :)

Last thing.... we miss you. Need to see you like, yesterday! :)

Sydney said...

Okay, fixed the link. Now it really is the Conleys. Tiff, we miss you more!

Sarah said...

As someone who has a lot of bones to pick with Europeans at the moment (do I really need to wait in line to pay 70 cents to use the toilet if my 3 year old is about to pee her pants?) I agree.

Also, I'd like to point out that the size of the swimsuit seems to have be in direct correlation with how old and how big they are. The older and fatter, the smaller the speedo or bikini.

If you need anymore pics of speedos, Rocky took enough to last a lifetime.

Darrell said...

Where can I find those cool loose fitting (ie, comfortable) triangle pants? next time I'm in Europe, your mom and I are going shopping for sure.