I haven't felt much like blogging lately. Probably because of this. We've done so many fun things this summer, but I just don't feel like spending the time on a happy blog post when I feel like it might be a little fake. Not to mislead, I am happy. I am naturally a happy person, partially because I've been very blessed, but I lately, I just feel sad a lot. Not depressed, just terribly sad.
I feel like so many people very close to me are struggling. I don't know what to say or how to help them, which makes me feel sad.
I sometimes get frustrated with God for letting such horrible things happen to people I love, which makes me feel sad.
I question the amount of faith I've put into my prayers, which makes me feel sad.
I think about Keith, which makes me feel sad.
I think about people who do all the right things and still have nothing go right, which makes me sad.
I think about friends and family who can't have children or who don't get to stay home (if they want to) with the ones they have, which makes me feel sad.
I think about too many negative hypothetical situations, which makes me feel sad.
I could go on, but I sometimes feel like I struggle to find the right balance between positivity and reality. I love being happy, it comes so easily to me and I'm grateful for that, but sometimes I have a hard time facing reality when I know it won't make me happy. Or sometimes I approach reality with an overwhelming sense of positivity in hopes of making it better with my attitude. I've always felt that happiness can make things better because that's what worked for me. If I approach things as a happy person, I will be a happy person.
And I know blogs aren't a realistic depiction of anyone's life. They are the prettiest, loveliest, idealized version of our lives, but I just don't see the point in complaining and being negative on a blog. And I don't know how to find that balance between being positive and realistic. I write my blog for me and nobody else. Its nice that my family and friends can read it, but its really just for me. That said, I want people who do read it to feel uplifted in a realistic way. I don't want them to see a perfect life, but a happy one, which is sometimes confusing to people I think. Perfection isn't happiness, happiness is happiness. But I struggle conveying this, which is why I haven't blogged about Keith. I don't want to pretend its not happening on the blog because its such a big part of our lives right now, but I don't know how to say it or approach it in a way that I feel will do my feelings justice. And mostly I haven't blogged about it because I am so sad and I have a hard time coming up with sad words because it hurts to say them. And on the flip side, I don't want to not blog about Keith and only the happy parts of my life because I feel guilty.
Keith is so special. He is such a bright star for our family. To not blog about him would be a travesty.
But it makes me so sad.
And I don't know what to say.
But I would feel ungrateful if I didn't express my feelings for Keith, or my other family members and friends going through so much right now. Its a part of my life, just not a part that I know how to share. Or know if I even want to share it for that matter.
Life is so good. There are so many wonderful things about it. But sometimes its so damn hard. And I hate watching it be hard for people I love. I've thought so much about our purpose lately; I feel like my mind is always mulling over some intense idea. Most of those ideas have no answer, just more questions, but I feel like I've learned one thing.
In all things, be grateful.
I don't have the words, nor the tear duct capacity to aptly convey my gratitude. When I think about Keith, I just want to get on my knees and thank God for a healthy child every second of every day. I have witnessed the strength it takes to care for a child with cancer in both my sister and her husband, and I know that I do not have such strength. I'm so grateful for their example.
I'm so grateful to be Evie's mom. And if we're blessed with more kids, I'll feel just as grateful to be their mom.
I don't know why my life is so good when others have such difficult trials. I know I have had and will have trials, but its hard to understand the unfairness of life sometimes.
I guess I've avoided blogging because I don't know how to express myself. I still feel like what I've said doesn't convey what I'm feeling, nor make me feel any better. But like I said, I can't blog around my sadness. And I do think its possible to be happy and sad at the same time. I'm devastated for my family, but there is happiness in knowing that we will see Keith again - that is something I know. It makes me so happy thinking about Cole and Keith running around together or how sweet it will be when Darcee gets to hug her little Keith again. I just want to live my life worthily so that I can see these things and I think gratitude is a good place to start. When you live a grateful life, it makes you want to be better. And being a better person makes you worthy of the blessings you have.
And here, besides Nick, is my greatest blessing:
If this Flashback Friday post wasn't full of my depressing emotions and confusing thoughts, I probably would have called it, "Adventures in Photo Booth."
Sometimes Evie and I take pictures and send them to Nick at school to show him what he's missing.
(I'm not sure how he feels about this)
I love this girl.
She is responsible for the vast majority of my happiness at the moment.
Our life is not perfect.
But we are happy because we are grateful.